When taking your pets to the vet, whether for routine vaccinations or emergencies, you should realize that there are several things it would be helpful for you not to mention to the vet techs during your visit:
When the vet tech asks you what happened to your dog (b/c you asked them to look at her limp on the phone earlier), don’t get a deer-in-headlights look on your face and stammer, “Uh..she, uh….fell down…the stairs. She’s very clumsy.”
When they show you the toothbrush for brushing your dog’s teeth, do not say, “Oh I don’t need one. My toddler can share hers.”
When they look horrified at your suggestion, do not clarify by adding, “No, it’s ok! My daughter puts nasty stuff in her mouth all the time. Besides, aren’t dogs’ mouths supposed to be cleaner than ours…?” then pause and go “…Wait…or were you worried about my kid giving the dog strange bacteria? Because I don’t like what you’re implying. At worst, my daughter’s only ever eaten cat poop out of the litterbox and it was just that one time! THE DOG REGULARLY CLEANS HER BUTT WITH HER TONGUE, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.”
When they gently stress that each dog should have their own toothbrush, do not finish their sentence by interrupting with “—because even though they’re roommates, the relationship’s not like that, amIrite?” and then wink at the vet tech.
When the vet tech tries to bring some control to the conversation by relating a humorous anecdote about brushing her own cat’s teeth, do not refer to the toothbrush as being “of the feline persuasion.”
When going over the list of expenses do not use the phrase “less-lethal,” as in “We didn’t really budget for a vet bill this expensive this month. So which of the issues we discussed earlier are less-lethal? We’d like to take off the treatment for those and see what our total is.”
When the vet tech croons over the way your simple dog quivers with fear at existing in a place that is not her home and being looked at by eyes and seeing things she’s only seen 200 times before, do not try to compensate to the vet tech for the obvious rejection your simple dog is giving her by saying, “Don’t take it personally. She’s emotionally retarded.”
When you’re paying the bill, don’t muse that “You know how they say that if a car repair is going to cost you more than the car is worth, it’s better to buy a new car? I’ll bet we could buy a lot of dogs with $400…”
Saying any one of these things will both make the vet tech incredibly uncomfortable (especially if she’s new) and will make you look weird (though, that’s really nothing new for me).
All but 1 of these popped out of my mouth within the hour-long visit that I had this morning. And of course I was kidding. Especially with that part about Rynn eating cat poop. (She actually prefers clumps of dog hair she finds under the edges of the cabinets.) That last one actually came from Clayton, after I recounted our bill. And yeah, I know…I told him it wasn’t funny either.