I’m sorry that it’s taken me so very, very long to post something. I’m finally starting to come out of the depression funk that’s slowly been on the rise for a while—that primarily showed itself through the realization that I don’t have anything interesting or funny to write about (assuming, of course, that I EVER do). But it’s kinda the time of year for it and I’m not the only one with this depression problem, which is kinda comforting (and if you don’t suffer from depression and don’t really know why sad people don’t just “make themselves be happy,” Allie Brosh of Hyperbole and a Half did a great job of explaining it). But that’s not what I intended to post about.
Y’all, strippers have taken over our Halloween stores and it makes me sad. I am not a modern feminist and don’t get on these high horses often, but why is it that men get all the fun outfits while women are stuck with Stripper Halloween? (And don’t start with that jive talk about consumerism and then snootily try to inform me about the law of supply and demand. Because I will stab you, dress your corpse in a stripper Cinderella outfit, and dump your body in the river.)
I mean, really.
If you want to buy a store-bought Halloween costume and you are a woman, you’re going to be really hard-pressed to find something decent. (And I know the counter-argument to that is just to make your own non-stripper-like costume. And the next time I intend to go as Swamp Thing, I will raid my neighbor’s compost heap and do just that. But I really need you to focus and stop interrupting, ok? FOCUS.)
All I saw when I went in were row after row of skirts that stopped mid- to upper-thigh and tops that lifted and separated down to your bellybutton. Who really needs four different options for Elvira, even if they are named “Enchantress,” “Sexy Crone,” “Spider Witch,” and “Glinda the Sexy Witch”? Sexy Crone? Is that one of the Spice Girls? I saw “adult” versions of Alice in Wonderland characters, Cinderella, Wonder Woman, Ariel, all the characters from the Wizard of OZ, and WHY IS PARTY CITY DETERMINED TO RUIN MY CHILDHOOD?
But even worse than the fact that there were so many stripper versions of really cool outfits, the part that genuinely hurt my heart, was that most of the ones that were sold out were…yeah, you know. It’s like women didn’t even bother trying to find something decent anymore. Sure there will always be those folks who WANT the excuse the dress like a stripper. (That’s what those college years are for.) But it makes me sad to think that enough do to focus the entire costume section on them; those folks surely aren’t the majority.
Halloween should not be about how much leg you can show or how much boobage you can flaunt over a punch bowl. (That’s what Valentine’s day is for. Or your birthday—because try floating that “I’m dressed in my Birthday Suit!” stuff at your neighbor’s Halloween party, and you’ll probably get asked to leave. And if you don’t, you have freaky neighbors AND YOU SHOULD LEAVE IMMEDIATELY. Holy crap, how did we get on this subject…?)
So, I want to start a new movement (because “movements” are the new “protests”): #OccupyMoreClothes. I’m not trying to say that ALL of the women’s outfits were slutty—just most of them. And the ones that weren’t really sucked. We shouldn’t have to choose between the baggy, shapeless pumpkin outfit or the billowy Greek Goddess outfit (the un-slutty versions) to find a decent outfit! I want to wear a policeman outfit that fits a woman’s body without it showing off half my Halloween goodies *nudge nudge wink wink*. I’d like to be a decently-attractive Alice in Wonderland, not look like I’m on the set of “Alice Does Dallas.”
Please, Halloween stores.
Consider the soccer moms out there, the ones who just want a nice outfit that they can buy last minute to go to the church’s Trunk or Treat event. The scariest part of my costume shouldn’t be the butt cheeks blowing in the wind. Remember that it gets cold in October, so more fabric is appreciated.
Pass it on.